Last night, while looking up Chicago's weather forecast, I found myself thinking… “Ahh… my first Christmas in sunny California!" Which invariably led to, "Hmm... my first company Christmas party in San Diego." Then, "Damn! My first opportunity to make a complete ass of myself at said first company Christmas party in San Diego…”
This distrubing thought had me reflecting on past holiday company parties. Some, I came out smelling like roses - a shining example of professionalism mixed with a healthy dose of brown-nosing. Unfortunately, there were just as many that quite possibly may have lead to those whispers and giggles around the water fountain. So, after a short (and painful) walk down memory lane, I have compiled my own...
Company Christmas Party Survival Guide
- Make an effort. Your trusty “Adult Film Direcor” t-shirt just won’t cut it, so pick up a sport coat and get a hair-cut. While you’re at it, take a shower you filthy sinner.
- Keep away from the boss’ wife. Sure you’re dressed in that off-colored blazer and sporting that goofy Dustin Hoffman haircut – but it does not, by any means, entitle you to say ‘hel-lo…’ to Mrs. Robinson.
- Lay off the tequila shots. For some reason, dirty dancing seems to be perfectly acceptable after a couple of these – and you’re no Patrick Swayze, my friend!
- Witty and charming does not a dirty joke make. Save the, “…so two gerbils are walking down the street…” joke for the boys.
- Marvin Gaye will ruin you. Sure, a little ‘Sexual Healing’ paved the road to a few freaky nights in the past, but make no mistake – Marvin could cock-block your career like the worst of haters. You know that secretary that you shared tequila shots with? Well, turns out Don Julio just made her realize that you’re cute enough to fondle… in the middle of the dance floor. With her husband watching.
- You’re not Steve Perry. Please don’t sing along to Journey. Ever.
- Keep away from the boss’ wife. I really can’t express the importance of this enough.
- Know when the party’s over. Don’t be ‘that guy.’ You know, the one that’s yelling out “Shots!” while the bus boys and band are packing up?... Take the obvious cue, then… get your drunken and perverted, poorly dressed and out-of-tune ass home! You’ve done enough damage for one night.
- ... and stay away from the bosses wife, for Christ's sake!
For all you slackers out there who just can't seem to find the perfect gift for Christmas, this ain't it.
X-Men 3 is coming! And, yes, I am a nerd. (You'll need Quicktime to view)
Later,
EvilMonkey
2 comments:
I am so bummed to find out I'm not Steve Perry...oh well. Or should I say Oh Sherry. Don't worry I will pistol whip myself for that one.
I love the towel...nice find.
Great post and welcome back. I was getting lonely.
If that is what it takes for Peace in the HolyLand that I am growing my hair out. Parting it down the middle. Dying it Dark and singing in the shower at the top of my lungs as my lover goes her separate ways.
C'mon I know you are hearing that chunky Guitar solo as you read that last line.
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